Letters from Hannah

Speak up, stay quite.

2006-09-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I sometimes wonder if it isn’t so much the things we say, but the things that we don’t say which matters.

I was lying in the arms of a man I once loved, and I remember thinking that nothing in the world could get better then this.

And when I told him I love him more than life itself, he told me that he felt the same.

But just as fast as I fell in love, he threw me out of his life without so much of an explanation as to what happened.

I was left wondering how could things go from “I love you” to “I’ll see you later”. Somewhere between those two phrases was a conversation we never had.

Now that I’ve met this wonderful man whom I am looking forward to sharing part of my life with, I wonder about the conversations we should have. Do I tell him everything I think, or is that giving myself over too easily? But if I don’t tell him my thoughts, then am I hiding from him, and from the potential of our love?

What is an appropriate conversation for a first date? Do we tell the person sitting across the table we’re looking to fall desperately in love? That we want children? Do we hide that we’ve been the victim of some horrible crime? All these things are part of us and colour how we see the world, so why would we hide it from them? Because, it is so hard to know that the person sitting across from you will listen charitably and really want to hear what you’re telling them, and respect your honesty

How does one move from small talk to big talk?

I feel that there’s a strange relationship between revealing one’s self, the audience to which one reveals, and the power relations which ensue.

I’ve had people tell me all sorts of things I simply didn’t care to hear, however, on some level it was good to share in that experience. I became closer to them, even if I didn’t necessarily want to, and I was able to provide a medium for them to release some thoughts, where they could relinquish (or gain) responsibility of some thought through the act of conveying the story to me.

It has been said that there are two sides to every story. Today as I think about love, and the conversations I haven’t had and the ones that I might be avoiding, I think there are three. The intended meaning, the receiver’s interpretation, and the part of the story that isn’t shared.

So, did you???

2006-08-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

Ann,

I'm dieing to know.

Did you do "it"?

H.

Depending on happenstance and dream life.

2006-08-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

"This notion of independence too often ends up being taken as a license to generate theory from any source - happenstance, fantasy, dream life, common sense, or conjecture - and then dress it up as a bit of logical deduction."
Glaser, Barney G., and Anselm L. Strauss. 1967. _The Discovery of Grounded Theory_ . Aldine. p. 5-6

Manipulation and Martha Stewart.

2006-08-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

Ann,

No need to be particularly worried. I'm more pissed off than anything. I do appreciate your support and help more than anything though. I just don't know how to talk to David without getting into a full-blown out diatribe about how unfair it is that I'm getting shit for what happened. This is about Joe, not really about me at all. He’s the one with the wife, not me.

And while I’m fuming about it all, Rob messages me from the library today. He says that his computer was broken and therefore couldn't finish our conversation from yesterday afternoon. And I said, "That's funny because I saw your brother online at midnight, when I went to sleep, or was he not home? And... You could have easily called.". And then he replied, "Well, I didn't get home until 2am and didn't think I should call you at that time of night." You know THIS is the sort of shit that just sends me. There ain't too many lies that get past me because I am an observant person, but what annoys me more is that people feel the need to lie. Look, I totally understand that Rob wanted to go out with his other brother after going to the movie, that's ok, but this “the computer was broken” routine is stupid. It makes me so mad. And yes, at this point it is easy to walk away because I cannot stand to be treated like a stupid person, and Rob really has nothing of value to offer me, and I get that, but I guess what I am left wondering is, "Why does this happen to me?" And this isn't anything that you and I haven't already discussed; I welcomed him into my life and hoped that he'd prove to be an awesome person. He turns out not to be outstanding, and I continue to wish for the best in him to come out. I need to find a man who is awesome from the get-go. No need to pussy foot around waiting for him to become awesome, he should treat me with respect from day one. We both deserve that, and maybe even more.

And so my RAGE for the manipulation that Joe (and other guys I've been with) use to get girls to fool around with them really gets me going. I feel so totally used because in that moment Joe would have said anything to get me to sleep with him, and it really would have meant nothing to him. And not that it would have meant a whole hell of a lot to me, but the point is that I wasn't sitting there making him feel guilty about not touching him, or lying about how we were lost. When sober I totally have the power to see through these things, but add wine to the mix, and I'm nothing sort of Martha Stewart trying to make everyone happy.

I don't want to say goodbye.

2006-08-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

Rob,

This isn’t a really easy letter to write you because I honestly don’t know what to say. I feel so much of what I want to tell you have already heard. I am at a loss for new words.

I will never forgive you for starting things up again during our weekend trip to Montreal. That was so dumb since you knew perfectly well that you wanted nothing more from me than a way to make yourself feel good.

Maybe I shouldn’t forgive myself because I was so stupid to let you back into my heart.

Love and relationships are not about making yourself feel good. When you love someone, you do just about everything for them and out of respect for them. The way you continue to selfishly use me to make yourself feel better is really gross and I’m tried of it.

I can’t totally ignore the fact that I do miss you in my life, our daily check-ins, some laughs and drinks on the weekend, but who am I kidding? I want more from you and I find it totally impossible to understand how you can’t want the same from me. I don’t understand how you can deny feelings. We’re the closest of friends and have an amazing sex life, but you continually deny me the label of girlfriend.

I need better than this, and I as hard as I find it is to walk away, because I think there is wonderfully caring person under everything, but I really need to. I cannot continually evaluate myself by the way you view me. I need to get back to the place where I was before I met you. The person that was excited about her life and not confused and hurt by someone else.

Hannah